Looking back...

I suppose I should start out with my history and explain how I got from Kentucky to Hennepin, IL. Well, it's like this...I grew up in a town called Paducah, KY and graduated from Reidland High School in 2002, (Go Big Red!) and from the first time I stepped foot in the town at three years of age I have been ready to leave. The good thing about Paducah is that it is not a horrible, disgusting place filled with pestilence which makes it easier for me to say, "yes, I am from Paducah," I've just never enjoyed the idea of small town living. New York always seemed a little more my style, the hustle, the lights, gun fights in the street... OK so maybe not the last one but I knew there had to be more to life than what Paducah could offer. So there I was, 14 years old and working on a plan to get out of town. I can still remember sitting in my room on a rainy Saturday thinking, "I've got life all figured out." If you can, think back to that age, do you remember how your mind worked? How SURE you were of EVERYTHING. Now, oh how I wish I could be sure of something, anything. I was so sure of my religion, my future, my career...I was the most intelligent person I knew and yet somehow, I still don't have all the answers. I wish I could go back in time and have a conversation with myself at 14. What advice would I give to the 'adult' me? If I had told me that I was going to end up in another even smaller town, married and have a car payment what would the 'young' me have said? Well, in any case the day finally came, moving day. I was about 19 years old, my dad got a job in Peoria, IL and we made the decision as a family to move... I'm pretty sure I had on the only smile in the car. As we adjusted to the move, I was excited about starting a new life, I could be anyone I wanted to be. There was no one who knew me, no expectations and more importantly, no history. At first I was embarrassed by my accent, honestly, it was the first time I had ever noticed my accent. It seemed to tell on me, as if to say, "hey, she's not on of us." So I worked hard to get rid of it so I could sound like a 'normal' person. By the time I began attending ISU, I had my accent mostly covered. I could say I was from Peoria without someone asking me why I talked funny. Soon I became accepted as a ‘rav’ eating, snow driving northerner. I made new friends easily at college, but I felt as though I was lying to them. What was so bad about being the 'me' I left in Paducah. I've always had friends and been accepted by others so what was it that was so bad about the sweet tea loving, country music listening, bible belt believer that I used to be? I still cannot answer that question. My only thought is my lack of confidence was the only thing holding me back in Kentucky, it wasn't Paducah. I've been trying desperately to find the southern girl I left in Paducah, but she isn't there anymore. When I go back, it's not the same. I don't miss Paducah, I miss myself and what I had. I had friends that were always a block away and wanting to hang out, I had long summer nights down at the riverfront and in the park, I had a piece of my life that is over and exists now only in my heart and memory. Is a good memory a curse or a blessing? Is it better to remember and miss what you had or can you still miss what you don't remember? I've learned a lesson that cannot be taught in a classroom, never set down who you truly are to be someone your not because trust me, I've lost more than just my accent....

Here goes..

Well, I found this site because a good friend of mine named Stephanie has one and she seems to like it a lot. I've always found blogging to be somewhat redundant in the fact that you are keeping a journal of intimate feelings and thoughts....then making it public. But in any case I've decided to get it a try.